Stephanie Gonzales, MA, MFT

Serving the Gay and Lesbian Community

Long Beach and Surrounding Areas

There is increasing evidence that sexual orientation has at least some biological basis, and most people report that their sexual orientation is not something they have chosen.  Instead, most people, regardless of their sexual orientation, feel that their sexual orientation is something that has always been there as it is.

It is normal to question your sexual orientation.  Many people do this during their college years, when they are exposed to new people and new experiences.  Of course, some people explore their sexual orientation at a younger or older age.

Sexual orientation prejudice includes all negative attitudes toward someone based on their sexual orientation (sometimes, people use the terms ‘homophobia’ and/or ‘heterosexism’ to mean the same thing).  Lesbian, gay, and bisexual people face tremendous prejudice on a daily basis, from people assuming that they are heterosexual, to slurs, to physical violence.  Discrimination also occurs on a societal level.  This is why many gay and lesbian individuals, couples, and families seek out professional help to cope with the added stressors of being an alternative family in a heterosexual world.

Yes! Individual and group counseling offers a confidential and safe place to talk about personal concerns in an accepting and nonjudgmental environment. Counseling can also help you become more comfortable telling your family and/or friends about your same sex attraction. Counseling can also provide the needed place to process feelings when/if family or friends are rejecting. It can also help people integrate their gay and religious identities, or help them sort out spirituality issues. For those lesbian, gay, and bisexual people who are having difficulty with self-acceptance, internalized homophobia, depression, anxiety, self-esteem, or other psychological difficulties, therapy can be a safe place to address these issues.

"Coming out” is the process by which a person acknowledges that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or questioning. Usually, this begins as an acknowledgement to yourself and later to others. It is a continual process that individuals who are lesbian, gay, bisexual  or questioning (LGBQ) might experience to some degree throughout their lives. For example, you may initially come out to your family, friends or co-workers, but if, for example, you move to a new job or to another city you might have to repeat the coming out process with your new friends and co-workers.  Coming out to another person can often be anxiety-producing, because one is never certain whether they will be rejected for their sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation prejudice contributes to this stress and confusion as lesbian, gay, and bisexual people come to terms with their identities. All lesbian, gay, and bisexual people must eventually decide whether and how to acknowledge their sexual orientation to themselves and to others.  This is a difficult decision and process with many possible routes and outcomes.  For example, one can be aware of being gay, but choose to spend considerable energy suppressing the knowledge, …or, one may come to terms with being a lesbian, but reveal it only to other gay, lesbian or bisexual people, …or, "come out" to some friends, but not family or employer, etc.

While it is easy to state that we have no choice except to "be ourselves," this is not easy for the bisexual, gay or lesbian. Individuals often experience much confusion about whether or not their feelings are genuine or healthy, as well as an awareness that these feelings imply an "unacceptable difference." Many attempt to live a "more acceptable" (heterosexual) life … or, at least create the appearance of heterosexuality. But, as the person feels more accepting of her/his identity, s/he often begins to seek support from other lesbian, gay, bisexual people as well as from some supportive heterosexuals in her/his life. Hopefully, the individual will begin to feel a growing pride about her/his identity and begin to integrate it into her/his lifestyle and total identity.

In some instances, coming out can put an LGB or questioning person in physical danger or even cause their families to disown them. Therefore, it is very important for an LGBQ person to “test the waters” before coming out to people in her or his life. Ideally, finding one or two friends who are accepting and supportive can lessen negative effects of future potentially rejecting family or friends. More importantly, an LGBQ person should make her or his own decision about when and how to come out, and not feel pressured to do it in a particular way. Each person’s life-situation is different. There is no perfect formula for "coming out" that will work for everyone.

SEXUAL IDENTITY AND COMING OUT

Facing Discrimination?

Can Therapy Help?

What does it mean to "Come out"?